Personal Power e-zine, December 20, 2005

Who Do You Hurt When You "Make Others Wrong"?

A prospective client of mine (let's call him Sam) is a financial advisor. Sam recently shared with me the following: even though a year has passed, he still feels hurt that a client with whom he had a close personal relationship chose to move his money elsewhere in an effort to make a larger profit. Sam had worked hard to set up this client's account, and it would have made money for both Sam and the client this past year. According to Sam, "My client's greed cost both of us income, and it caused me to have a less than a great year financially".

"Sam", I said, "Did you consider that the primary reason your client was in the relationship was to make money, while you seem to have put a lot of focus on friendship and loyalty?" He replied, "No, I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess you're right. I figured he was greedy and his greed hurt us both."

I explained to Sam the power of being detached and having no expectations of others. The reason he still felt bad was because he was making his friend/client wrong for being the only thing he could be.himself!

Many of us are taught that having expectations of others is "good"

After all, how else will you get what you want? By putting the pressure of expectation on others, you may succeed in getting your way.

I invite you to question this belief

During the past seven years of coaching clients to improve their marriages and their other personal and professional relationships, we have found that most conflicts are rooted in expectations and judgments of good, bad, right, and wrong. Once my clients stopped judging others and started being more accepting (giving more freedom to themselves and others by detaching from expectations), their relationships instantly became more harmonious.

I recently read a book that talked about how to make more money in a short amount of time. The author shared the story of how he finally broke through his lack. His mentor called him and said, "You know why your not making money, don't you?" The author's response was, "No -- why?" His mentor told him, "It is because you don't expect to make money." Once the author started expecting to succeed, he did.

Here is a very critical point

There is a big difference between having expectations of others and having expectations of yourself. It is powerful to set standards and have expectations for yourself; however, it is NOT powerful to impose our expectations on others. When we impose our expectations on others, it is highly likely that the eventual end result will be trouble.

How can we maintain social order without having expectations of each other? An alternative is to trust others and let go of our fears about them doing things differently than we expect them to.

I pointed out to Sam that he was making his client wrong. He agreed. I said, "You know, there is still time to repair this relationship.if you want to repair it." Sam replied, "I'd like that. This client was a really good friend. I like him and his wife a lot, and I'd like to make sure they are well taken care of."

How could Sam restore his broken friendship and increase his income at the same time?

Here are the steps to the solution

Stop viewing others as "wrong" or "bad". Just because they don't agree with your opinions or beliefs does not make them a lesser person.
Give others the space to make choices based upon what's best for them.
Do not depend on others to take care of your needs. That's YOUR job! Many hurt feeling come from thinking someone else will take care of you. Keep that power to yourself!
Determine your intentions or desires, be precise, then do something your ego will really be upset about.let go. Don't force, push, or manipulate. Just let go and trust that if what you want is harmonious to all parties, it will happen!
To repair a damaged relationship you'll need to be a little vulnerable. Let your guard down and be honest and open about how you feel. Take responsibility for how you feel. If you don't blame others or make them wrong, people will usually listen to you and give you a fresh start.

Conclusion

Remember, the more you force, push, expect, or manipulate for the sake of order, control, or (heaven help us) leadership, the more people will resist.or leave! Ask yourself, what does making others wrong cost you in terms of feeling connected, relaxed and harmonious? No one likes the pressure of expectation. There is absolutely no freedom for them to choose what works and what doesn't work for them.

If you have been treated this way, stop spreading the "control" virus. Let it end with you! Take a stand by refusing to pass on what has made you feel oppressed and uncomfortable. Instead, choose something stronger, higher, and more powerful.

We all thank you in advance for making today a little bit happier and more joyful than yesterday. All it takes is eliminating your expectations of others, stop making them wrong, give them the benefit of the doubt, ask questions to clarify your understanding of what they really mean, and let go!

About the Author

Personal power expert Michelle Rigg is the author of You Must Be OUT of YOUR MIND: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating More Power In Your Life. Her clients usually see remarkable improvements in income, relationships, communication, focus, and clarity after completing just one workshop or telephone laser session. For a FREE 5-step course that will supercharge your personal power, visit http://www.createpersonalpower.com.

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